Been realizing more than ever how much I’ve changed. Sometimes it’s hard to admit to myself that this is the person that I am, so I just keep telling (lying) to myself that I don’t have to be this person if I didn’t want to be. But who am I kidding, even writing right now in a blog is me, pretending that I’m not that person.
Yup, I’m that girl that I never wanted to be, but have been for quite some time now. It’s silly actually. There’s tons of people out there like me, why should this situation be any different? I think it’s harder for me to accept that I am this person because I don’t think he deserves it. Is that love?
I know with every grain in my body that I love him, no doubt about it. If I didn’t, there would be no chance that I’d stay with him after all that we’ve been through, there would be no reason for me to. After all, I gave up so much to be with this one person. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is anymore.
But I’m always second guessing myself. Sometimes I find that maybe I’ll be happier on my own, alone. But being alone scares me. I think it’s the part of me that has always had someone, so its just become something comforting for me, a security blanket almost. But then I ask myself again, if there was a part of me that didn’t want to be in this, and I thought that being alone would be best for me, why am I still here? I’ve dealt with a lot, things most people in relationships just wouldn’t deal with. But here I am, still here.
Sigh. Trying to shake it off. I do not want to be that person. Anything but, but I am! And it’s sickening. I guess I either have to own up to it (which would probably end badly for me), or change.
I’ll take the latter.