that

Been realizing more than ever how much I’ve changed. Sometimes it’s hard to admit to myself that this is the person that I am, so I just keep telling (lying) to myself that I don’t have to be this person if I didn’t want to be. But who am I kidding, even writing right now in a blog is me, pretending that I’m not that person. 

Yup, I’m that girl that I never wanted to be, but have been for quite some time now. It’s silly actually. There’s tons of people out there like me, why should this situation be any different? I think it’s harder for me to accept that I am this person because I don’t think he deserves it. Is that love?

I know with every grain in my body that I love him, no doubt about it. If I didn’t, there would be no chance that I’d stay with him after all that we’ve been through, there would be no reason for me to. After all, I gave up so much to be with this one person. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is anymore.

But I’m always second guessing myself. Sometimes I find that maybe I’ll be happier on my own, alone. But being alone scares me. I think it’s the part of me that has always had someone, so its just become something comforting for me, a security blanket almost. But then I ask myself again, if there was a part of me that didn’t want to be in this, and I thought that being alone would be best for me, why am I still here? I’ve dealt with a lot, things most people in relationships just wouldn’t deal with. But here I am, still here.

Sigh. Trying to shake it off. I do not want to be that person. Anything but, but I am! And it’s sickening. I guess I either have to own up to it (which would probably end badly for me), or change.

I’ll take the latter. 

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Are you happy?

I wrote about 5 entries and deleted every single one. This question has gotten me confused and thinking. Is it really that simple? To answer a simple question, simply?

So much is racing through my head right now, its hard to differentiate my thoughts and compile them up to make something that would make sense for even myself to read. I’m just so all over the place today, I’m suprised I haven’t cried yet. What a wreck, right?

So, am I happy? Hm. Are you happy? What is the definition of happiness? I’m thinking my happiness can not be the same as that of someone elses’ definition of happiness. My happiness is not your happiness, vice versa. So who am I to say that you are happy because you seem like you are happy? Who are you to say that I am happy based on your assumptions of what is happiness?

Hm. Am I happy? Well, I’m as happy as I know how to be and feel.

I guess, simply put, I am happy.

Or am I? Sigh.

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Laura Jansens beautiful rendition to Kings of Leon, “Use Somebody.”

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"I think I’m afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

Charlie Brown

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